NOW AND THEN

Or, I should say, then vs. now.

For more years than I can count, I was the girl on the outside looking in, never quite sure of where I belonged.

I had natural red hair, kids didn’t appreciate red hair.

I had crooked teeth, kids pointed them out.

I was fat, kids criticized my weight.

I was ostracized when I started at a new school in fifth grade.

I felt that every thing about me was different and when you want to belong, different is bad.

From an early age, until recently, I lacked confidence. I was unsure of myself and my worth. I feared being in the company of those who were sure of themselves or more knowledgeable than me.

I have many childhood experiences that stuck with me throughout adolescence and adulthood and negatively affected my behaviours and perceptions as I grew, especially in high school.

I yo-yoed with my weight throughout high school. Throughout university, my weight continually inclined as my clothes and body expanded inch by inch – size 14, size 16, and then size 18.

I had two “friends” that I enjoyed shopping with and being seen out with because they were bigger than me. Sadly, their size made me feel better about myself. One of these friendships was completely toxic but being the smallest of the trio was glorious, so I clung to my ‘plus-size frenemies’.

Karma bit my ass in university when I had two close girlfriends who were STUNNING and I was the largest of our trio. I faked confidence well, but being out with them, especially shopping and at the bar, was painful. They were constantly attracting men, getting dates. I remained single.

I attracted men by getting intoxicated in order to feel sexy and flirtatious and I wore push-up bras. If my boobs were big enough to underplay my stomach, I was happy.

I tried several diets, I tried Hydroxicut, different exercise routines – I even got a gym membership but seldom went. Actually, in university my girlfriend and I would purposely hit up the gym before McDonalds to justify the food binge

Balance? Ah-Yea, No!

My longest fitness routine lasted two or three weeks. If my body felt deprived after a workout I would justify fueling it with bad (delicious) foods.

No matter what I wore, I felt self-conscious about my stomach. Whenever I sat, my first instinct was to remove the fabric from the folds between my stomach so people couldn’t ‘see my fat’. I kept my arms covered as often as possible.

I constantly died my hair. It was the one thing I could control about my appearance.

By age 29, I weighed over 250 lbs., encroaching on a size 3x. I was obese before I turned 30!

*I say I weighed over 250 lbs. because that is when I stopped weighing myself. I don’t know the actual number at my Ah-ha moment.*

By this point in my life, I had developed a completely unhealthy relationship with food. I used food as a coping mechanism to keep my looming depression in abeyance. And then I would feel depressed anyway when my clothes didn’t fit. It was a vicious cycle. If I was stressed, pissed, had a bad work day, a hangover, clothes didn’t fit, it was an excuse to get food.

“I needed it”.

My husband was equally bad with the food. BUT even when he wasn’t in the mood for take-out, if I was developing a mood swing because I “needed food”, he would go and get it to avoid a ginger hissy fit. If we weren’t ordering food 3 or 4 nights a week, it was a healthy week.

My diet consisted of pizza, McDonald’s, candy, chips and dip (an entire bag of chips and entire container of dip in one night). In 2015 I was on a family vacation in Florida and ate and entire bag of chips. This was normal for me behind closed doors, but, because I was around people I commented “Wow! I just ate an entire bag of chips”. Someone responded “I saw– that’s a lot of chips”. That was embarrassing – but did it stop me? Nope!

My epiphany did not come until months later, December 2015, when I was watching My 600 Pound Life on TLC. I was absolutely fascinated by the show and, as usual, was sitting in bed, chocolate and candy wrappers all around me. That’s when it hit me – I had jumped up in weight so quickly that if I kept lazing along this path, I would either 1) be featured in an episode of My 600 Pound Life or 2) Die. Just flat out die.

That was my Ah-ha moment.

My husband and I attended my office Christmas party. This, ladies, was the FIRST TIME I ate a piece of spinach. Yup, there I was, 29 years old and owed my life to reality tv and a piece of f*cking spinach.

With that, my health and wellness journey began. I did not know what I was going to do, but I knew that it was time to say YES to myself, to show-up for myself and to start caring for the body that had loved and supported me for so long, even after all I put it through.

I recognized that I HAD the Power to finish my story, which did not include ending my life.

I finally showed up for myself and worked to let go of my limiting body image beliefs. I realized that what the kids thought of me, didn’t matter. What society thought of me, didn’t matter. What I thought of me mattered. My relationships with my mind and body mattered. I learnt that my previous attempts at diet and exercise weren’t successful because I didn’t believe in my capacity. I was dieting and exercising to be accepted.

I implemented an entire new lifestyle system that benefited me – body, mind and spirit. My system resulted in a 100-pound weight loss and clarity about my relationship with my husband. I also gained: